Louie
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Thursday, February 8, 2007
Thursday
February 8th, 2007 at 2:01am
I cannot sleep. I think i've become reliant upon falling into a drunken coma. How unlady like. Last night was rather eventful, I stumbled out of Slaters after my lethal quad vod and got punched in the arm by Chris as I was walking along in a daydream. I in my drunken state rather pleased myself by ignoring him. Which clearly riled him because I got a text a second later asking where I was going. I decided not to text back so I quickly deleted the message so as to remove all temptation. He's not text me for 2 weeks so as far as i'm concered he can fuck off. This was all going well until I got home and decided to fish his number out of my broken old phone. I guess it's not so bad though. I simply text - "went to vodbull" ..which I guess incinuates I didn't want to tell him where I was until I got home because I didn't want him to come there too. But clearly to an egotistical arsehole like himself this point will not be clear. Next morning I awoke to another message from the game playing bastard which said "You have a good night then luv x"..I was fully aware that I would text him back and I would not recieve another back. BUT at the same time i'm not a rude person and i'm certain there's not a sole in the world who hasn't recieved some form of a reply to a text they've sent me. So I text back saying "yeah it was good. Shame VB is a bit crap these days though. You have a good night?" - quel suprise I recieved nothing back. My theory is.. I ignored him so he text to confirm his belief that I am helplessly in love with the little arsehole. So until the next time I dent his ego on a drunken night I will not be hearing from him. It's all so pointless and predictable. I think I need to learn to be mean.
Despite that incident I had rather a lot of fun. I ended up accidentally ringing my friend when I was on the toilet having a wee. Not sure how but he had a nice voicemail to listen to when he got in from his night out. So we had a rather intresting drunken conversation afterwards. He was telling me all his girl woes, whilst I ate apples and pretended to care. I then had a dream Chris joined a cult and set fire to my carpet..
weird.
Monday, January 29, 2007
Monday
January 29th, 2007 at 12:31am
I'm so sick of being so het up about a stupid boy. For once i'd like to know what its like to not have my stomach in knots 24/7. I feel ill. I'm so frustrated - I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I can't sit still. But I can't concentrate. I can't eat. I don't want to be around people. But I don't want to be by myself. Plus then i've got the added baggage of blaming myself when in reality i've done nothing wrong. The only thing i'm guilty of is liking someone and not pissing around playing games. Why on earth can they not all just feck off once and for all and leave me alone. I hate nothing more than uncertainty. Will I see him again? when will I see him? Will he text me again? Does he like me? Is he seeing someone else? Did he meet a girl at the house party he went to? It's all shit. I'm sick to death of thinking. I have never in my life been so wound up by anyone. I wish i'd never met him. I honestly just wish he'd of fucked off when I told him to before xmas because all thats happened is once again i'm left in the dark waiting until i bump into him. I'm fed up of trying to go to places he maybe then being gutted when he's not there. I can't even sleep because my mind is just ticking over.
I'd like an end. Even if it was awful and he turned round tomorrow and said 'fuck off'....
why does no one EVER like me. I can't work out if its all over him or if i'm just clinging onto him because I think he's my only chance or because i'm too tired to go through all this bollocks again.
argggggh. i'm sick of being me. it's rubbish.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Wednesday
January 24th, 2007 at 6:24pm
Man. Today is just one of those days. I just feel on the verge of tears and I don't know what to do to drag myself out of my mood. I think its a mix of everything. I did want to go out but Kerrie's dragging Rachel to this stupid rave night and no one else wants to go. Rachel doesn't want to go either but won't tell her. I don't even understand why she can't just tell her she doesn't want to go, kerrie's going with her friends anyway and she knows no one likes that music. Plus after what she did i'd tell her where to go. So now Rachel's in a mood because I won't go with her but I just don't want to go out feeling like this when I know i'm going to hate it. Fair enough if it was Medication it would probably perk me up but this is just shite. But then I don't know whether to go so i'm not in. I don't know what to do for best. argh.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Monday
December 18th, 2006 at 5:57pm
I am in desperate need of a hobbie. I have sat here pretty much for a whole day, obsessing over the fact I am obsessing over someone who is in no way shape or form obsessing over me. Ha. Facebook is like my only link to him and as he only seems to add insane amounts of people and doesn't talk to them - it's useless. I still can't get that stupid Kate out of my head either, the more I look at her the more amazing she becomes. Oh buggery.
Well tomorrow I have my doctors appointment, which is scaring me immensly. Then i'm going to see Carol and Rachey which will most definately distract me from any form of thinking. The wednesday i'm meeting Joms and Kirst for Lunch etc. Then Thursday i'm thinking xmas shopping is needed. Then Friday no doubt i'll be back to obsessing..so I may have to take myself of to the trafford centre followed by some much needed essay writing and then revision (wooooooooo!). Then saturday..i'll be angry that i've not heard from him. haha. So i'll go out and get drunk as a skunk. Sunday is xmas eve so i'll be grouchy. The Monday is xmas day. which means mayhem. Then i'm back to my flat to work and moan about the state of my love life.
Oh what fun xmas is.
Sunday, December 3, 2006
Sunday
December 3rd, 2006 at 6:44pm
Today I went to the clothes show. It was BORING. I don't think the fact I had to get up at 6am after 2 hours sleep helped matters but the people there were crazy - elbowing and pushing. Grr. We left after 3 hours because I got all dizzy from lack of sleep and crowd mayhem.
On friday I was jogging through the uni campus on my way to Smithdown road and I bumped into Chris. Not seen him in 2 weeks so it's sods law I bump into him when i'm sweating and looking rank. Anyhow I made general chit chat then told him I had to go which I think he was rather shocked about because it's the first time i've not practically kissed his feet. Anyway long story short when I got home a few hours later I had a text off him which he must of sent 2 or 3 minutes after I saw him. It just said 'Is everything ok? x' So I waited a few more hours (HA) and text him back 'yeah, why?' to which he text (straight away may I add..hehe) 'seemed strange earlier. How's you anyway? Sorry not spoke in a while, i've had lots of work on and been ill. Over now though, so fancy doing something?x' I just ignored the last bit of his text and told him how I was etc. Then he text me saying 'Can I take you out for lunch in the week? I obviously like you a lot even if I haven't shown it recently. Realising how much I miss you x'
Now is it just me or is it just the fact I acted like I couldn't give a shit about him that he suddenly cares so much. I'm not cutting my nose of to spite my face because obv I like him. But god its infuriating, I hate playing games. I've told him i'm busy till Friday (mostly true..although partly also to make him sweat) so i'm seeing him then. I'll see how it goes anyhow. grr.
but yes. I'm happy I have the upper hand - even if it only last a short while.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Tuesday
November 21st, 2006 at 4:29pm
My heart hurts. I can never seem to deal with people disappearing or worse still perhaps me not knowing whether or not someone is gone or not. I'm baffled as to what's happened with Chris. Yes, perhaps I did turn slighty bunny boilerish last week. But in my defence, it was alchohol induced plus he's always been the one ringing me after a night out and telling me how much he likes me and blah blah blah. But as soon as I do it, he does a total u-turn and now i'm confused as to why he bothered bullshitting me for months on end even when I was with Sam. I just can't work it out. I know he's not met anyone else, and yet somethings made him go from roasting hot to icy cold with me within the space of a week. What the hell has happened? Of course being a girl i'm blaming it on the fact i'm not pretty enough, funny enough, exctiing enough etc etc for him. A part of me thinks screw him, his loss. But the biggest part of me just feels so disappointed and let down. He was the one person I could of seen myself being with and him not treating me like crap and the one person i've only genuianlly believed liked me. Now I have no clue. I wish I didn't care.
I'm currently in the proccess of writing my corporate governace report. which means i'm having to read through 6 200 page plus documents and also 4 years worth of accounts whilst also attempting to understand the shit they contain and then coming up with some form of academic report on them. In simple terms. I am screwed.
oh deary.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Thursday
November 16th, 2006 at 12:53am
Well after much thought and endless amounts of tears i've come to the conclusion that i'm my own worst enemy. I can never keep a guy intrested in me because I convince myself and them that their too good for me and that i'm grateful for any attention they show me. I'd like this to change.
From now on I will under no circumstances text guys back straight away. I will wait until a sufficient amount of time. I will also NOT text them first, not matter how much I convince myself I have to. I also won't tell them everything nor how I actually feel about them. Instead I will cold but no so much that I come across as a bitch. I will make them think I don't need them. I have no idea how i'm supposed to do this but I can only try.
Beginning with now. I won't text him. I also won't cut my nose off to spite my face and ignore him if by some grace of god he decides to text me. He also won't be getting anywhere with me any time soon because quite frankly i've never been a slut and I don't intend to start now. He perhaps rightly thinks i'm a pyshco but I have no intention of letting him use me to prove otherwise. The aggrevating thing is he wanted me and I screwed that up. But perhaps I should think if he liked me enough once he can again, if I just keep that illusion of distance that all boys seem to need for a long while until they can cope with the fact a girl likes them.
Why must it be so complicating? Ohhhh. For now i'll just carry on with things and at least attempt not to turn myself into a manic depressive once again all because of some silly boy that will no doubt be replaced by another silly boy who will do the exact same in a few months time.
I honestly am beginning to see the truth behind the saying "No one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself"..It's just a shame I hate me. I need to get over this whole insecurity bullshit and at least attempt to accepting myself for what I am.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Wednesday
November 15th, 2006 at 5:56pm
I hate feeling like this. I have no idea what's got into me lately but it's getting to a point where I can't seem to cope with anything. The littlest thing can send me into floods of tears and I can't even remember the last time I ate a full decent meal. Plus i've made a fool of myself with someone who I thought was decent but turns out he's just like the rest of them. I sent him a text apologising for the way I was acting and told him i'd not been feeling myself and been taking it out on other people. Anyway, he text back saying 'it's ok hun, don't worry about it. I'd still like to keep it if we are both out x' well. lucky me. I'm supposed to be grateful about the fact he wants to use me. It's my own fault I guess. I just wish I could stop crying and feeling so down about it. I should be used to it by now. But no, it still hurts more than anything. I'm sure he's feeling pretty smug about it all, not only do I harass him with texts and completely flip reverse the situation but now he's basically saying - we'll just bump into each other pissed and then sleep together because he knows i'm that pathetic about him. I wouldn't mind but I only feel this way because he made me feel like he actually cared about me. Oh what a fool I am.
I also couldn't give a crap about anything else. My work is down the pan. I have no money. I've missed the deadlines for a load of job applications and it's all just a bit poo at the minute. I'll no doubt start feeling a bit better soon but for now I honestly feel like shit.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Sunday
October 29th, 2006 at 3:02am - For Nic.
Ok, 6 random facts..
1) I have an irrational fear of stickers. They make me feel physically ill and I have no idea why. This also applies to soggy reciepts/bits of paper. I also hate to sit anywhere where desks/tables have pieces of screwed up paper underneath..or any slight hint of stickers that may or not be there. I do believe this makes me insane.
2)I'm very easily upset which if you knew me "in real life" would suprise you. I come across independant when in fact i'm anything but and also very talkative when in fact i'm possibly the most shy and insecure person in the world. In short very few, if anyone really know me. Not that i'm in the remotest bit depressive, i'm not - it's just I find it hard to ever let anyone know i'm bothered by things because 'it's not like me' plus as I keep pretty much everything bottled up, it would be a bigger deal for me to say something/someone pissed me off than if someone who's used to venting their frustration says something.
3)I'm too afraid to try my best. I know that sounds utterly ridiculous but i'd much rather half try and then blame failure on the fact I didn't really make the effort rather than try my best and fail and have to accept that my best wasn't good enough. This has subsequently seen me screw my degree up, which enfuriates me no end.
4)I miss my Nan more than anything in this world. I'd like to say she's still with me but I honestly don't ever feel like she is.
5)I'm majorly insecure. I have issues with every single part of myself. Both physically and mentally. It's just now i've learnt to cope with it in my own funny way. If a guy ever chats me up, I think he's taking the piss - so I probably come across as rude. This is why I avoid eye contact with any male when i'm out incase they think I think I have a chance with them. So basically I struggle to see how i'll ever meet anyone lol....gah.
6)I wish I could do something to make myself proud. I've never done anything that scares me and i'd like to. I wish I knew what I wanted and I wish I had the guts to do it.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday
October 26th, 2006 at 5:20pm
What a difference a day makes. This time yesterday I was quite content. Now however, i'm up shit creek in every area of my life. I went out last night. Drank so much I passed out. Woke up in Chris's room fully clothed and then thanked him for looking after me by vomitting all over him and his bed. All of this because of some little arsehole who no longer has a name or infact exists.
I've also managed to do no work whatsoever and my deadline is tomorrow. So quite simply i'm screwed. It's times like these that make me hate my life. I'd be quite happy is someone would just put me out of my misery.
I want my mum.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Tuesday
October 24th, 2006 at 12:35am
Things i've learnt today.
1)My boyfriend is the tightest little bugger on the planet. His idea of taking me for a meal consists of him forgetting his credit card, which in turn means I pay. For him as well might I add. Pfft.
2)Red wine is the most vile thing on the planet. Bar nothing.
3)My flatmates all seem to have developed cleaning OCD seeing as they have all new b/f's. Am I the only one who will quite happily wallow in filth anymore?!?!
4)Work cannot be done, if you don't do it. Suprised me that did.
5)I haven't paid my credit card off, I just thought I did. Very different to actually paying it off.
6)I like my privacy.
7)I don't like apples.
8)Kerrie's best friend is being sent to prision for 'glassing' someone - scary.
9)People from cumbria sound like geordies.
10)My hair has decided to get even curlier all of a sudden. I now sport what many regard as an afro.
11)My feet are shrinking.
12)My faveourite shoes are dead. RIP. The sole fell off. GRRRRRRR
13)I'm a little drunk.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Monday
October 23rd, 2006 at 12:38am
I honestly feel like my life is over. Ok a bit dramatic. But i've never had so much work and so little time to do it ever. And the work i've had to do has never been so important. It's also never been as hard. I also have to decide what I want to do with my life within the next month all while I have no time to think. I barely have time to eat never mind do endless essays on things which are all in my opinion quite pointless and are on things which are of no importance to anyone in the world. ever. Grrr.
I'm also majorly love sick, as soppy and pathetic as it sounds all I want to do it be with Sam. But I have to be sensible and do my poxy work. I just want to be with him. I need to get a grip. I've already wasted a week by being at his doing nothing.
Yes this is just one big moan yet again. But it's all I have left (drama queen) at the moment so let me wallow in the pointless and uncalled for self-pity. I'm fully aware everyone else has it ten times worse but i'm a moaner. It helps me cope. ha. Ohhhhhhhhhh. it's all shit. gr gr gr.
ahh I feel better now. I'll go back to staring at an empty screen now :)
wooo.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday
October 11th, 2006 at 5:18pm
I do enjoy making things difficult for myself. I've decided to look into teaching, i'm not exactly sure why but i'm desperate for career ideas as i've no clue what I want to do for a living. All I know is I cannot and will not train as an accountant. I'd much rather stick pins in my eyes. HR is still what I REALLY want to do, but i'm all for having a back up plan.
I think me and Sam are on the verge of something once again. I think this is a good thing, I miss him and i'm not sure I can not be with him.
Oh dear lord, if I ever manage to do anything the simple way i'd die of shock.
Thursday, October 5, 2006
Thursday
October 5th, 2006 at 5:16pm
For fucks sake. I've spent half my life (slight exaggeration) trying to get my head round what the hell this piece of crap book is telling me and I still can't for the life of me understand a word. I have come to the conclusion that the law is a big pile of shit and I refuse to read anymore about any of it. grrr.
I also feel like shit because of silly boy(s). I for the first time in my life slept with someone I regret deeply. and now I feel like a piece of shit. I woke up and literally wanted to die. I can still taste him and I want to be sick. I have no idea what happened, why it happened and what in gods name I was thinking. But it all stemmed from me Chris leaving his hotmail account open on my computer and me being the nosey old so and so I am read his emails. Which were all ok. But then I made the mistake of looking in the draft files and I found an email to the girl he told me was his best friend saying 'I know you're not speaking to me but it's clear to anyone that's ever seen me around you that I love you' It was from November but it made me cry. And what's worse is I have no right to complain because a) I shouldn't of been reading his emails and b) he didn't know me then.
Then I made the mistake of reading another one about how he was sorry he 'beat that guy up'..I mean wtf? Which makes me think he's a physco because he's currently got broken knuckles which he told me was from hitting a wall when he was pissed. But now i'm thinking he makes a habit of going about beating people up. I certainly know how to pick them. It makes me think Sam wasn't lying and now I don't know what to do.
oh shit shit shit. I officially never want another boy near me for the rest of my life.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Monday
September 25th, 2006 at 12:43am
I have freshers flu. My ears are killing me. My livers screaming at me. My room smells of alcohol, smoke and yuckyness. I'm aching everywhere. My lectures start tomorrow. I want to cry. Chris is back from Ireland tomorrow. Double vision starts tomorrow. I have a headache. I need to go shopping. I have to hand out Promotional flyers before I can go out :( which may mean I might not be able to get into double vision :( :(
I hate having earache. and I hate being in my room alone. I'm a big old baby.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Sunday
September 17th, 2006 at 5:27pm
Why is it I always seem to transform into an absolute arsehole when i'm drunk. I've cheated on Sam. and I feel like shit. What's worse is I have no else to blame but myself and now i'm the worlds biggest hypocrite. I have no idea why I did it and now what makes it ten times worse is that the guy is a genuianly nice guy and he's been ringing me asking if he can take me out and asking Jenna to put in a good word for him. He doesn't know about Sam and if he did he'd probably (rightly) think I was the biggest bitch ever. He's gone to Ireland to work for a week at the golf thingy so at least that buys me a bit extra time. I have no clue what to do, part of me thinks if I 100% wanted to be with Sam I would never of contemplated it but then another part knows that if I wasn't with him i'd be devastated beyond belief. But then this other guy Chris is just SO nice, he's one of those people that has that certain thing that you can't put your finger on plus he's physically 110% my type.
Either way i'm a horrible person and I deserve no one.
Saturday, September 2, 2006
My boyfriend is ace. He is the cutest boy in the world. And he bought me a spongebob mug. I love him a lot. a lot a lot.
Samuel Reid is the prettiest boy ever. FACT. Even when he's being moody and looking like he has small arms.
<3
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Thursday
August 31st, 2006 at 6:45pm
Today I tried on hats. All i've done is bum around town with Sam looking at things I can't afford. He's on his boy period so he was a moody little shit all day. He bought me 3 cd's though so I had to be nice to him. I'm rather excited about them too. Especially the spinto band album love love love. I also bought some new sunglasses, well two pairs actually. One pair of black aviators and one pair of pink aviators. I'm cool. I bought some hawaiian tropic tanning oil too that smells so nice I want to shove my nose down the bottle.
I finally got a knitted cable slouchy beret it's CLASS. It's all snuggly and will hide my mingy hair. woop. I need to buy myself some hair dye to get rid of my now light blonde hair. It's making me want to cry. I want this permanement straightening kit from boots. But you can't use it on highlighted hair. Bloody bastards. I NEED it.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Wednesday
August 30th, 2006 at 4:30pm
I don't like being sick. I get all narky. I'm having to pack my suitcase now because i'm SO bored with being in. Sam came round to amuse me but then he got in a strop and left because I took a photo of him on my phone that he didn't like. What a girl. So now i'm back to being bored. bored bored bored.
God. I keep thinking of random Alan Carr jokes and laughing like a spag. I think my Mum thinks i've finally lost the plot. Oh dear.
Bleurgh................
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Tuesday
August 22nd, 2006 at 9:33pm
Me and backpacks do not mix. It's huge. But I've managed to fill it. God help me - this is me travelling light.
I need to do a checklist. Maybe try and get rid of some crap.
I have babywipes - they are essential due to lack o showering.
Deoderant - essential.
Face wipes - Essential to me..
Wet wipes - haha. I have every kind of wipe going. I may take those out but even then are two teenie packets going to make an ounce of difference??
4 t-shirts, Friday, saturday, sunday, monday.
2 hoodies one to sleep in and one to wear.
I pair of jeans.
1 pair of jogging bottoms to sleep in.
Wellies
Towel.
Bikini - on the rare chance I do risk the showers.
Flip flops - shower shoes.
Socks
Bra
Knickers
Make-up. I have a rash on my face and I need concealor to stop me looking diseased. Plus i'm being vain and want mascara. So therefore it's essential.
Shampoo and conditioner - mini form.
Flannel.
Hairbands and pins
Hat
Loo roll
Camping mat
sleeping bag
Blanket
Why does that seem so much? Then there's my supply of cider and food. It's a good job i'm getting a lift down because I literally couldn't carry it to the train and then face standing up while every sensible packer looks at me like i'm a lunatic.
God then i've got my over the body bag full of shit too. Oh christ.
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